The BAD Guide To The Gym

Driving to the gym it’s important to park in the disabled parking space rather than any of the 200 other spaces, this way you get to walk directly into the gym, it’s also nice to know your car is safe and less likely that someone will park next to it.

Once in the building, it’s important to go straight to the changing room and apply as much deep heat and powder to your body, ensuring most of this ends up on the floor, seats and sink just so people know where you been. Don’t bother using the lockers provided to keep your gear safe and out of the way, just either leave it in the changing room or dump it in somewhere in the gym. People won’t mind, as they probably like the idea of extra exercise dodging around all the gym bags.

Now it’s time for the gym, you want to go for a mega sweaty session upstairs and make sure you leave the pool of sweat as evidence of your hard work. Don’t worry about cleaning it up, as it’s never there the next time, so it would seem this gym has self-cleaning equipment. A great feature most gyms have these days. On another note, I always see the blue roll, cleaning spray and hand sanitizer around the gym, you would think the cleaner would put that stuff away.

Time to hit the weights room! This is a great place to make any phone calls, text your friends, check your social media, take a few selfies and pose in the mirror. It’s a well know fact that gym mirrors make you look, fitter, bigger and just more awesome, so take as many photos of yourself while you can.

After your photo shoot and social media updates about how awesome you are for working out, it’s time to work out. If there is chalk available, it’s important to use this straight away, regardless of what exercise you are doing and commence touch everything to leave your mark…mainly touch the walls, floors and windows.

Now you are ready to pump some iron, gather as many sets of dumbbells and equipment as close to a mirror and begin your set of random exercises with total disregard to form and any person around you, this will help you be more focused on how you look in the mirror. Once you have finished with your weights, it’s important to never put these away. Putting weights away will take you past the 12 rep zone and you will lose muscle mass, that’s Bro Science man (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXO2azb3_PE). Once again, most gyms are equipped with magic tidy fairies that put all that staff back.
Time for a stretch, make your way to the stretch area, take your shoes and socks off and just wipe your feet all over the place, this feels amazing and dries off your sweaty feet. Don’t worry about spreading your verrucas to other members, they know the risk.
This concludes your guide to the gym, just don’t forget to grab your bag from the middle of the gym before you leave and admire all the areas of the gym you have been. Feel free to spill some protein on the floor on the way out, rumour has it that this feeds the cleaning fairies.
Gym Bro